Not long ago, I asked my Facebook followers what they would like to read about on my blog. Not that I’m out of ideas by any means, but I enjoy connecting with my readers, so I thought it would be nice to write something that you suggested.
What I got back involved empowering girls in today’s society.
I have an eighteen and nine year old daughter who have put my wife and I through just about every situation short of being very young grandparents. We’ve been through accidents, breakups, sneaking out, stealing, public rudeness, and most definitely the gamut of mood swings gifted to them by our good friend, Aunt Flo.
Many of these little ‘incidents’ we as parents can’t really do anything about. The old adage ‘kids will be kids’ is a very true statement and quite honestly, I would much prefer that they experience bad along with good so they know first-hand that I’m not completely full of crap when I tell them something is not a good idea. You damn sure can’t do anything about biology, so the monthly demon resurrections are here to stay.
I am a huge advocate for strong, independent women.
Empower me... and I will be strong for life.
Call me a feminist of you want, but I think it’s great that women are dominating the workplace. Good for you for becoming the majority population in places of higher learning. And more power to you for wanting to achieve more. The funny thing is that you have always been in control, whether you knew it or not. History is littered with women who made their mark and changed the world. These accomplished women all had one thing in common. They were confident. Confident in themselves and their skills, whatever they were.
Growing up, however, I’m certain that they faced some very rough times. Acceptance, looks, popularity, sexual pressure, developmental differences—all of the same things girls still face. I’m a boy. I know how boys work. Their little hormones are raging just like the girls’, but they are more outward, more physical, more driven by instinct. Girls (most anyway) are driven my emotion. Stuff hurts their feelings. Little things, like subtle suggestions that they might not be as pretty as the next girl have hugely damaging effects not as apparent in boys. Boys deflect. Girls absorb and let it fester.
How I make a difference.
With my girls, I do everything in my power to ensure they grow up strong. They know early on that makeup cannot cover what is on the inside and should be only used to accentuate what they already have on the outside. They are taught to do for themselves instead of playing frail and weak, expecting to be taken care of. They are taught the basics that will allow them to hook up their own cable, build their own bookcases, and know what tools are and how to use them. They are (or will be) preached to at Ad nauseam that they are not obligated to nor should they ever feel pressured to have sex. In short, they are in control of themselves and should they choose not to allow someone to equal them, they will function just fine. Basically, I arm them with necessary skills then encourage the crap out of them so they are confident in their ability to use them.
So how do you help build confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth?
It is a constant process, but here’s an abbreviated list of things that can help:
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Know what is going on in their lives and truly care about it.
- Be engaged.
- Listen.
- Nurture.
- Swallow your pride and opinions and let them air out things that are important to them.
- Roughhouse.
- Say ‘No’.
- Be their friend…by not being their friend.
- Be an example of what love and healthy relationships look like.
- Be there.
- Let them fall down.
- Let them get dirty.
- Teach them that they can do things for themselves.
- Teach them that it’s ok to cry, but crying doesn’t add to the solution.
- Instill in them the truth that their body and mind belongs to them and no one else.
- Explain to them that they need to be happy with themselves before they can make someone else happy.
- Tell them they are beautiful, smart, good, deserving, and strong.
- Tell them you love them.
- Encourage them. Then encourage them again… and again and again and again.
I could go on forever, but I think I will let you take over from here.
What have/will you tell your daughter as she matures to ensure she is confident in herself and can go forth to do great and wonderful things? What were you told that made a difference? What do you wish you were told that you think could have made that difference?
Strong girl image retrieved from http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html
About Brandon
I absolutely LOVE the way you wrote about this. It’s obvious you have a great love for your girls. I wish more men would take to the time to really know their children, boys and girls. Hat’s off to you!
Thank you very much, Grace. This is something that I am rather passionate about. More of my views will be displayed as this series continues, but this is an important subject to me. Thank you for reading! I hope you will continue to read the series!
I agree, men do (and are beginning to) take a bigger role in child rearing, but there is so much room for growth, still. We are in a transitional period right now, but really it starts with us. This is definitely something we can affect and change for the better!
I have a young daughter who I’m trying to help grow into a strong, non-traditional gender-roled woman myself. I mostly teach her it’s ok to do anything she likes/wants, and, at 21 months, she likes trucks and trains, jousting as a knight, and Dora/Mermaids. I think she’ll be well-rounded!
Good points in your article though, thanks!
That’s great! Gender roles need to be more than blurred, they need to be wiped out completely. Let nature and biology separate the differences.
And nothing wrong with her interests. Look at Danica Patrick and others. I’m sure they played with cars too, lol! And should she turn into a ‘hero’ let hope they come up with better costumes than Zena, right? ;D
Great start to the series Brandon!!! I’m looking forward to the rest of it.
The bar has been raised, I will say that. Everybody is tweeting, FBing… look what YOU started!
Now I REALLY have to bring it on future posts. (((nervous)))
Well written Brandon. You have a very good understanding for raising girls and conveying this experience into the written word. Keep it up!
Thanks, Molly! Look at you all coming out of your shell! That’s what? Two or three comments, now? ;D
I will do my level best on this series. No worries. (MUCH)
Hi Brandon! I love, love, love your post and your whole attitude about encouraging girls. As a father–your input is invaluable and will influence your daughters throughout their whole life. How great to see a man that gets it! Please check out my most recent blog at http://www.princessfreezone.com which addresses this very issue! Good luck to you. Michele
Thank you so much! Very encouraging comment!
I do my best to get it. I’m rather outnumbered at the house, so I have to pick up on things. No back-up whatsoever. Plus, my youngest, especially, LOVES doing things like building and experimenting. We rough house constantly, but through it all, she still loves being a girly girl. I love it. Then again, I feel sorry for her future husband, but he gets what he gets, lol!
I read your post! Very good. I will be back to comment soon!
Thanks for the support!
It’s great to see a man’s perspective on what needs to be done to help our girls grow up to be strong and confident – Thanks for that!
I had a conversation just the other day with my almost 14-year-old daughter about happiness. She wants to transfer to a different school for her freshman year – a larger school – because she has this idea that it will help her start fresh, that she can make friends with the right types of people and so on. After trying to get her to understand that she can make those choices in any school, including the one she is currently destined to attend, I gave up and was quiet for awhile, letting her stew in her anger, thinking that I only thought she was just going to get in more trouble because she was going to be at a bigger school. Finally I realized what I really wanted, and I shared it with her. I told her that all I want is for her to be happy – that is all that matters. The thing I really want her to learn, though, is that happiness comes from within her, not from other people. I really want her to understand that now, and learn it well, because it took a lot of crap in my life for me to realize it. I am a recovering alcoholic, a fact my children are aware of, and I told her that was part of why drinking was a problem for me. I don’t know how she really took it in, because we finished our discussion after that, but it is a message I plan to continue with her and with her younger sister.
Thank you for the compliment!
That sounds exactly like our oldest. We (being military) move around a decent amount and told her prior to one move that she should use it as a fresh start for herself. I don’t think it would have worked the same had she been in the same location, though. Teenage years are very difficult with the introduction of cliques, so it can be hard to change who you hang with. I hope it worked out for her.
Congratulations on getting well. Best of luck to you! I’m sure it is not an easy process.
Another good resource you may want to check out is The Good Men Project. Tom Matlack talks about his sobriety frequently and the difficulties that go with it. Check him out.
Well said! And great list of reminders (I especially love ‘be their friend by not being their friend’). With a daughter who is just starting the ‘self conscious’ phase, I’m always on the alert for ways to remind her that she is smart, strong and amazing in her own right.
PS –found you through your comment on my guest post on Memoirs of a Single Dad.
Lisa
Thank you! The friend comment is a killer for many of us. Especially if we had strict parents. I have heard so many say ‘I’m not going to be that way to MY kids’ and theirs end up running over them. One extreme to the other.
Good for you encouraging and building her up. She will be better for it!
And thank you for stopping in! I liked your post.
This is a great list–and not just for empowering girls. I have only sons and I think most, if not all, of the list applies to them as well. I particularly think it’s important to let our children do things for themselves. I sometimes have to remind myself when my kids ask for something, that I can just tell them to go ahead and do it for themselves. Most of the time they are happy to be given the opportunity.
Kids who get the chance to get their hands dirty (literally & figuratively) learn so much and become much more independent.
Thank you. This list in particular does work for both. Future installments, while written toward girls, will be good information for boys, too, if for no other reason than as a guideline for how to equal girls, not be above or below them.
You are absolutely right, though, kids do need to be given the opportunity to get into stuff and try everything they can (in a safe manner anyway). How else will they know what their limitations are? Or strengths for that matter?
Great post. I’ve got two baby girls (7 mos) and I’m constantly watching and learning for how to raise them to be strong and confident. Two posts you might enjoy from my site are http:// chosenchaos.blogspot.com/2011/08/one-about-dorothy. html and http:// chosenchaos.blogspot.com/2011/07/word-from-my-sponsor-take-2_29. html. The first is my take on the REAL life fairy tale princess and the second is a piece my husband wrote. He’s a guest whenever he’s got something he has to say!
Thanks for the follow on Studio 30! I look forward to hearing more of what you have to say!
Thank you for stopping by to visit!
As long as you are thinking that way now, the girls will be much better off later. They can never be too young to start showing, teaching, and preparing.
Looking forward to you coming by again!
I wish more fathers thought this way. it’s been a long journey just to get my husband to be more involved then just “bringing home the paycheck.” Your list is so good, I’m considering putting it in my CS5 and making it all pretty, printing it out and framing it just so I have a daily reminder of ways I can empower both of my children. This really is an excellent post.
Aww, thank you. That’s a very nice compliment. I appreciate that.
Ah, refreshing post. Even now, the stereotypical mentalities of our society hurt both men and women every day in a variety of ways. If only more people would realize that most of those things are entirely preventable.
Anyway, great post! =)
- Nick @ Whispers
Thanks, Nick. And you’re right. A lot of what happens (or doesn’t) is avoidable. Sometimes all it takes is attention or a little “tough love” (cliche but true).
Thanks for stopping in and commenting!
With two girls of my own we are in the thick of this. My older daughter went to a B-day party over the weekend and all the kids were singing some disturbingly graphic rap song. The parents of the birthday girl, (very close friends of mine) were deeply offended and my daughter tried telling them it wasn’t that big a deal. I had to explain about boundries and how quickly things can change between boys and girls. I think both of my girls have a false sense of security as to how boys they have known since they were younger will always feel about them.
Well, we can only hope that other parents take the time to talk to their own kids and explain how things can be. I think sometimes we just let them grow up “however” and make their own place, but we forget that we need to show them a better way.
Stay engaged. It will pay dividends.
It must be hard to be a father to girls.
Having lived both as one of the guys while still being a girl, I think that if I had to chose the gender of my children, they would be male. Of course, my husband has other ideas and relishes the thought of having little girls, partially because he doesn’t know how it is on this side of the house. He just sees the fact that machismo won’t limit them and he thinks girls are more honest and secure because they don’t have to worry about a “man” card.
Still, I think being a feminist – no matter what your gender – is always a good thing.
HA! He’s in for a surprise. A man card is the least of his worries.
I agree on the feminist part. After seeing some of the BS I have, I would side with women all day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m NOT a female (because, WHOA) but a lot of guys haven’t been raised right. Just my opinion.
Thank you very much, Grace. Then again, I feel sorry for her future husband, but he gets what he gets, lol! I think both of my girls have a false sense of security as to how boys they have known since they were younger will always feel about them. I have heard so many say ‘I’m not going to be that way to MY kids’ and theirs end up running over them.